I'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Something Else

I remember the first time I was confused by the words "How are the kids?" I was watching the movie "Seven" and Brad Pitt's character came home to his wife and asked, "How are the kids?" She answered, "They're good. They're in their room". A second later, Pitt is shown wrestling with two dogs. I remember expecting him to stop hugging the dogs so he could say hi to his family, but of course,the dogs were "the kids."

I feel this is increasingly common. I've even heard women who have had actual kids refer to their dogs as "the kids". I don't know how this makes sons or daughters feel but I can imagine them thinking, Really mom? Well, I hope the dogs can find you a wonderful retirement community to wither in. Actually I am sure it doesn't bother many people, but it would sure bother me. Not so much the insensitivity of parents, but the common conception that pets are in some way equal, even if only conversationally, to children.

This used to offend me less, but now that I'm a parent, I can't help but hear similar sentiments and wonder where it all went wrong. Has parenting become so easy for everyone that we can equate pets to having children? I get that not everyone wants kids, or has kids, but they were all kids at some point right? At least for your parents, I find it poor taste to say things like, "Oh man, we treat our dog like it's our kid." Can that possibly be true? I was just walking down to Walgreen's and saw a guy about my age standing outside in the cold watching his dog take a shit. With hands in his pockets and a cigarette dangling from his mouth he moaned, "COME ONNNN, hurry the fuck up." I couldn't help but think, Nice parenting asshole.

A few months ago my friend Angie posted a blog about the numerous nicknames her family had given their infant son. Someone had posted a comment saying something like, "It's funny we do the same thing with our dog." I had a hard time seeing how the two stories were related. In no other instance is this accepted as normal. Would this work in reverse? Even if my baby had worms, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to feel I could relate to how you feel about your dog having similar symptoms.

I know for a fact dogs and other pets bring lots of happiness to people and I am grateful for this. I just can't stop cringing when I hear references relating ownership to parenthood. To be clear, I am not saying I love my son more than some people love their dog. Some "parents" care so deeply for their dog they leave the TV on in the morning when they leave for work so the dog doesn't get lonely. I'm just saying as much as I like Matt Lauer, I can't trust him as a babysitter.